


Stuck on the Sidelines

by wook77



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-14
Updated: 2012-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-03 15:13:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wook77/pseuds/wook77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan's about fed up with being stuck on the sidelines when John Shepard has to fight every battle himself. The final straw is when he goes one on one against a Reaper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stuck on the Sidelines

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt at the kinkmeme -   
> On Rannoch when Shepard is taking down the reaper on foot. Kaidan is on the shuttle with Legion and Tali. How does he react to shepard's decision to stay and fight and how do Tali and Legion and Cortez see him in this moment. 
> 
> Originally posted: http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/3710.html?thread=7741566t7741566

_Son. Of. A. Bitch._

John Shepard had better damned well live through this confrontation with the Reaper because Kaidan is going to kill him. With his bare hands, no biotics needed, just the pure, unadulterated rage coursing through his body as strength to back him. His hands shake as he watches John duck out of the way of the beam, his breath freezing in his throat as the beam almost gets John and then explosions rock the thing. 

Kaidan can't watch but can't tear his eyes away, either. As John pulls another stupid, heroic move to target the Reaper, Kaidan flashes back to the years where he'd thought John was dead, to the images that have haunted his sleep since then of John floating in the dark, dead and alone because Kaidan abandoned him when he was needed. He can't go through this again, he just can't, not now that he's had a taste of John, of happiness with John. He knows what John's smile tastes and feels like against his lips and how can he go without that? 

The answer is that he can't so he stands, regardless of how the shuttle is maneuvering and hurries forward to demand that Legion turn the vehicle around, to go back there and drop Kaidan off so he can help except that Tali grabs his waist and yanks him back into his seat. 

"Distractions will prove dangerous. Stay here." 

"The hell I will." 

"Shepard needs to concentrate on what he is doing, not on protecting you. You will only endanger him," she says, her voice softer this time. So she'd picked up on their relationship.

"Shepard Commander is faring well, Major," Legion speaks up from where he sits, partially blocking the viewport of the confrontation. 

Rage bubbles. It's got to be rage because Kaidan has lived through far too much, _John_ has lived through far too much for Kaidan to be afraid. His hands clench and unclench, in time with his racing pulse. His gloves feel too tight as he tries to calm himself while John ducks and rolls out of the way of yet another blast before the Geth Armada fires another volley. The Reaper screams out and rocks as the explosions go off but then it's right back to lining up an attack on John. 

He's leaning forward and then rocking back and leaning forward, muttering, "John, you stupid fuck, you better… you better…" and he's lost words as he devolves into random nonsense that only makes sense to himself "dammit… can't. but. You. How. Why. You. Watch. Fuck." 

Tali strokes his hand where it clenches on top of his thigh. "Shepard is good and it looks like it's not moving as quickly as it had. He will be fine. You'll see." 

"He better be fine. I'm the one that gets to kill him. Selfish bastard." 

"Major, I do not understand – "

"It's a human thing, Legion." As if that's any sort of explanation as to the rage (never fear, he's not afraid. If John's not afraid then Kaidan isn't). Kaidan leans forward and then surges right just as John mirrors, rolling to the right as the beam goes off and explosions happen once more. 

This time, the Reaper collapses. Kaidan's air rushes back into his lungs and it's only then that he realizes that he's barely breathing. He feels lightheaded until he sees John approach the thing, obviously carrying on a conversation with it. _Fucking hell goddamned piece of shit what the hell is he thinking!?_ all rushes through his head as he watches. 

"Shepard Commander is victorious." 

"Thanks for stating the obvious, Legion," Kaidan says, sneering at Legion because he's an easy target and he hates himself for it but he can't make the words flow. 

"The Geth are disabled." Legion gets out of the pilot's seat and exits the transport as the shuttle lands and Cortez stands to the side. Tali hurries out after him, leaving Kaidan alone. His hands refuse to unclench, as if moving them means that the whole thing had been a dream or something. 

Kaidan takes a deep breath followed by another one, counting inhale and exhale in his head, until his pulse settles enough for him to unclench his hands and head to the shuttle. The others are clearly arguing but (and Kaidan will feel bad about this later, he's certain), he just doesn't give a damn about what they're arguing about right now. 

"Helluva fight, eh, Major?" Cortez is grinning from ear to ear. "Only the Commander would have the guts to do that." 

"Be ready for takeoff as soon as they're done," Kaidan orders coldly as he walks past Cortez. 

"Major? Something wrong?" 

"No, nothing. It's an every day occurrence around Commander John Shepard that he takes on a Reaper singlehandedly. Why would anything be wrong with that?" Kaidan continues into the shadowed confines of the shuttle and takes his seat, as far away from the doors as possible. 

He stops thinking about what he's just watched because his head is pounding and he can feel a stress-induced migraine coming on. Instead, he focuses on his breathing. Inhale _onetwothree_. Exhale _onetwothreefour_. Inhale _onetwothree_. Exhale _onetwothreefour_. 

He's reached a zen-like state when Tali and John enter the shuttle. The sound of their voices startle him out of his meditation. When John starts to approach, Kaidan only looks at him and John sits further away than he'd obviously intended. Kaidan snorts and then rubs at his temples. 

"Everything all right, Major?" John asks. 

"Just fine, Commander." 

"Kaidan – "

"Don't." Kaidan looks up and glares at John, even with his helmet on and knowing that John can't see his expression. He wants to pat himself on the back that John's the first one to look away but his head hurts too much and it seems like such a minor victory that it doesn't matter anyway. 

It seems to take forever for Cortez to finish the landing sequence and procedures just to let the doors slide open. Even though Kaidan is the furthest from the doors, he's still the first one through, slipping past John and Tali fast enough that John doesn't have the time to touch him, grab him and demand answers. 

All Kaidan wants right now is some sort of coolness, some darkness and plenty of sleep. He's careless with his armor as he strips out of it and places it in a close approximation of his storage bay, not even bothering to hang it or clean it. On auto-pilot, he makes his way to the elevator and heads to the crew quarters. He's about to fall into the first bed available when there's a hand on his arm, tugging him along behind while he keeps his eyes barely slitted open. When he stumbles, the hand on his arm changes to an arm along his shoulders, guiding him along and keeping him steady. 

He breathes John in, closing his eyes fully so that when they enter the too bright medbay, he only sees filtered light through his eyes. Dr. Chakwas whispers and it feels as if she's screaming at him. Between the two of them, they lever him up onto a bed. John rubs at his forehead, soothing, brushing pressure that massages at his pain. He might be pissed off at John but his head follows that hand when it drifts off his forehead. A small chuckle and then the hand is back. John sounds far too sure of himself and Kaidan will feel bad about it later but for now, the words slip out of his mouth anyway. "This is all your fault."

"I know it is." John's voice is low and soothing, as if he's humoring Kaidan.

There's a pinch and then a jab before Kaidan finds himself slipping under the pain. He's completely out as John carries him up into the Captain's Quarters, stripping him and sliding him into the bed. What he does know is that when he wakes, he's curled, resting on John's thigh while John's hand absently runs through his hair. The pain has muted to a dull ache. Looking up at John, he sees him staring back down, over notes of some sort.

"Better?"

"Yeah."

"Biotics?"

"No." Kaidan's voice goes short as he tenses once more. Of course John doesn't get it. "Your damnable _antics_. You think I enjoyed watching you run around, taking on a Reaper? John, you have a team that can help and you.. you… you could've let me help. We are all capable of helping. Someday, you're going to go against something that you need us for and I had better be at your back the next time, John. I told you that I have your back and I mean it. If you aren't going to let me have it, then I just don't know what we're doing here."

"You're right."

"I don't know what else you… wait." Kaidan gapes at him as John's secret smile, the one that only comes out when they're alone. Just like every other time, Kaidan's grin answers.

"I promise, next time, you'll be there." John's hand brushes at his forehead and then he contorts into an impossible angle as he brushes his lips across Kaidan's forehead.

"I'm holding you to that."


End file.
